I don’t know why I was so happy to find out that Katie has a dick. It was a dream-come-true within a dream untrue.
She’s my step-sister. In my dream, we were on vacation, sharing a bed. We gave each other a sisterly, goodnight kiss on the cheek. Then a peck on the lips.
Next second, we’re tongue-kissing.
When she took off her pants I couldn’t believe it.
And yet, it was such a relief.
***
Before I ever met Katie, my mom told me about her. She lauded her as being “granola,” which is to say “really down to earth.” In my mother’s opinion, Katie is much more down to earth than me, too.
If my mom knew a thing about astrology she’d know that Katie was just an Aries.
I know several other Aries. They are of course all unique, but united in my mind by a common pragmatism. Even though they are all stunted, wrought with bespoke neuroses, and acting out their unresolved childhood issues just like the rest of us, these kinds of people present with a gas-powered forward-moving energy that is best described as “adult.”
Pair this with a beautiful girl who couldn’t take a flattering picture to save her life, and you get a magnetic individual, with maternal energy and a good sense of humor.
The Aires energy can feel a bit square. But don’t be surprised when they show up at a stranger’s party with a bag of blow to share.
When I met her I was sixteen and dating Julius. Julius and I broke up before he ever met Katie, who was still dating Paul. In the midst of my next relationship, Katie would break up with Paul and start dating Skyler. After six months Skyler and her would break up and Katie would start dating Caleb.
I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t imagined what it would be like if Katie and I both decided we were gay. What we would say to our parents. How they would react. If it would be weird. Bad.
All the women I’ve ever been attracted to were like Caity. She is my kind of woman. Beautiful but unextraordinary. Funny but generous. Crass yet clean. Honest yet private. She is a woman like me, but more down to earth.
One of the few times Katie and I hung out one-on-one, no parents or friends or boyfriends around, we got to talking about sex and relationships, as girls do. We talked about our controlling, volatile exes, our sex lives with our current partners. She opened up in a way I had never expected her to.
I said something about how there are certain women I am really attracted to.
And for some reason, I was totally caught off guard by her response. More caught off guard than the time she whipped out that bag of cocaine at a party.
“Oh, sometimes I feel like I’d really be happiest with a woman.”
I didn’t expect her to agree and I certainly didn’t expect her to double down. She went on to say that some of her female friendships have made her wonder if she’s gay.
This filled me with pleasure. And this is where I stumbled. I lost hold of my usual fluidity when it comes to conversation and became tongue-tied. I said yes, I agree, but what I wanted to say was I think I love you. Obviously, I couldn’t say that. So I just continued to repeat, in different ways, yes I agree. I can totally relate, I get what you mean.
In my head, I’m kicking myself for the distance that I am throwing between us with every word I say. I was like a violinist who accidentally started playing their solo twice and now was making it worse by continuing to go.
Her words felt like a come-on but couldn’t be interpreted as one for sure. One part of my mind knew that we were just two step-sisters, shooting the shit the way girls do: vulnerably.
But another part of me knew that this is the way two equivocally bicurious girls flirt with each other: through a wall of uncertainty. We pussyfoot until the window closes and life makes the decision for us.
I don’t know what the dream means anymore than I know what my feelings mean. I don’t know if Katie and I are really compatible. Am I gay for Katie or am I just attracted to what Katie represents? If I can’t be as down to earth as Katie, then the next best thing is to possess her. Yes, perhaps I am just projecting my self-esteem onto Katie. Perhaps I am playing out some unresolved psychological issues. Or perhaps we both are. And perhaps, for that reason, we’d be perfect for each other.