6 9 E T C

*through a female gaze

Mission statement, mission statement. It breaks down into three parts:

What I wanted

One day, I am 69ing[1]. With dick in my mouth, balls in my face, and tongue in my pussy,[2] all I can think about is how I want to phrase a certain email. In other words, I am far, far away from that special place inside my mind where I need to go to climax. I am aimlessly floating from one thought to the next: call UPS, text my rich aunt, write more, what is the g-force of an erect penis, I should write that down, where’s my phone? My eyes open to the ball-sack in my face. I stare at the seam between the testicles, the hairs sprouting out from permanent goosebumps. I think, do all ball-sacks have the elasticity of an aging eyelid? I want to write this down. No, I want to draw this.

What I faced

I face this ball-sack many times after that, each time wanting more and more to sketch my view. I don’t do it. No, instead of doing it I think about doing it. I think about pulling this phallus out of me, tossing the sheets back, and hunching over a sketchbook until I satisfy myself, artistically. To please myself, all I have to do is stop and ask: Hey, would you mind if we stop so I can draw your ball-sack? Do I even have to ask? My mind draws up the image of a classic “artist and muse” relationship:

The frustrated artist ejaculates in his beautiful muse. He tosses the sheets back and runs to his studio, unapologetically inspired. Used and unsatisfied, the muse lights her cigarette and stares longingly out the window, never leaving the bed.

What I found

I ignored my urges to create in fear of masculinity. When the artist is inspired, he surges with masculinity. Power. The confidence to create. The right to objectify. But when the artist is a woman there are consequences to that masculinity, which cause her to hesitate. Behind every great man there is a great woman. Behind every great woman there is a man whose ego she either threatens or protects.

[1] Sixty-nine or 69, also known by its French name soixante-neuf (69), is a sex position in which two people align themselves so that each person's mouth is near the other's genitals, each simultaneously performing oral sex on the other. The participants are thus mutually inverted like the numerals 6 and 9 in the number 69, hence the name. This position can involve any combination of sexes.

[2] Still looking for a universally inoffensive slang word for pussy.